i can never be sure

I lost my coat. It wasn't expensive, but it was really different, and I really liked it. I might have left it at the movies, but the guys at the lost and found said, "Nah, Lady, it ain't here." I went to another movie theatre (it was a big month for movies), and although the grammar was improved, "No, Maam , we didn't find it", the result was the same.

Whenever I lose something, I always start to worry - you know - my age and all. But I've losing things for years - umbrellas and virtually anything that's not directly attached to me. Must've been about fifteen years ago that I lost my pants.

I was at some mall or other at The Gap trying to find a pair of jeans. I must've taken in at least a dozen pair into the dressing room. I tried on the last pair and they looked pretty good, but I thought they might be a little loose - my theory on jeans is that if you can breathe, they're too big. So I grabbed my purse and left the rejected pile of jeans along with my own and went out to get another size. Along the way, I checked-out a couple of sweaters that looked cute, and when I got back to my dressing room, the jeans were gone. Mine included.

I marched back out to the sales floor and hunted down a sales clerk who looked to be about 18 and like he was hung over. I told him that he'd obviously put my jeans back into the shelves with the other jeans. He looked at me and said, with an absolutely straight face, "Are you sure you were wearing pants when you came in?"

I actually stopped to think.